I realize that this list is essentially a church project, so I must warn that the language in this one will get a little salty.
So my dear friend Mari and I had dinner recently. I never would have thought to count this story on the list, but after our visit, she brought to my attention that I have a tendency to be kind even when I’m not trying to be.
Let me tell you a little bit about her. Every mom needs to have friends to compare notes with. People who bring you to the crossroads of motherhood and friendship and create a safe place where you can confess your biggest fails, and you know they’ll laugh because they’ve been there too.
After freelancing at home for quite some time, Mari recently went back to working full-time, and when we met for dinner, she was describing the transition back into the grind and the “mom guilt” that comes along with it (she has twin girls in elementary school).
She told me that the girls had a terrible birthday in January. See, she’s had a tradition of making them signs and balloons for their bedroom doors for their birthday each year. But, as every working mom knows, something often has to go, and this year, it was the birthday bling on the bedroom door.
During dinner she was telling me how she’d shorted her girls on their birthday, and she kept saying — as if to grant herself reconciliation through punishment — “It’s true, I didn’t give them a very good birthday.”
Suddenly, I blurted out, “I think I want take you to a shelter and show you a mom who had to take her children in the night to save her life and theirs, or a mom who’s trying to get off drugs, a mom who is sharing the floor with her kids because it’s all they have, and see those moms apologize to their kids not giving them a better birthday. You did not give them a bad birthday. You are a good mom. You love them unconditionally and protect them every day. You are married to a good man who is a good dad. You live in a good home, and you are raising girls who are smart, creative and independent. You didn’t give them balloons on their birthday? Fuck those balloons. You are a good mom and they’re good girls. And trust me…you’ll have tons of opportunities for them to have bad birthdays. If I remember right, I think that’s what high school is for. Fuck those balloons.”
She just looked at me. And then I sort of felt bad because I realized I was about to make my friend cry. But then…no. I didn’t feel bad. Sharing mom fails is one thing, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for us to beat ourselves up because we don’t make life perfect for our kids. A wise friend once told me that the little voice you hear in your head tells lies. That is the truth, and sometimes I wish I had a magic mirror that could show my friends what I see when I look at them. In fact, that might be my next big project. Hashtag #mymagicmirror.
This particular night, I showed Mari the good mom that I see in my magic mirror and that balloons on the door are not the baseline for her ability as a mother — especially a working mother.
Fuck those balloons, I say. It’s my new credo. Well, not at church, of course.
One Hundred Kind 